Category Archives: The Smart-Mouthed Hare

Maybe If I Yell “Alohomora” At The Computer Screen…


I’m putting this on the blog because I’ll never, ever be able to load it on Pottermore… for several reasons…

All I can say is, it’s a damn good thing I have a sense of proportion about the inherent glitchiness of online/internet stuff, but even with that sense of proportion, the Pottermore “experience” is still falling somewhere between extremely trying and @*#%*&!!! I had been nurturing the fond hope that perhaps, after an almost two-month absence from Pottermore, a few things might at least work when I finally returned, but it seems the site as a whole is still woefully under-servered, because my load-times (8 minutes for the Gateway to load, 10 to 12 minutes for the Profile page to load) have not changed at all. Today, while waiting for my computer to choke its way through my Profile page, I peeled and cut up 5 avocados, hand-juiced some limes, and whipped up a batch of guacamole, which I then consumed about half of while waiting… waiting… waiting…

I will remind my readers that I am on a dial-up connection, but even so, I can routinely access Google, Facebook (and Facebook games), my own blog here on WordPress, Amazon, my local Public Library system, and even a graphics-heavy Moroccan website called BaboucheShop (where I purchased a pair of babouches online just last week) without experiencing anything resembling the online pain I continue to have on Pottermore. I have to ask, if a Moroccan webstore selling purses, shoes, sarouelles and jewelry with lots of pretty pictures and slideshows can make itself accessible to a dial-up user like me, why can’t Powered-by-Sony Pottermore?

So what can I still not do on Pottermore? Glad you asked!

1) I still cannot brew potions. The potion practice page still does not load fully, so although I can crush my little handfuls of Snake Fangs, dump them in my cauldron, and turn the cauldron on, the part of the page that contains the temperature control for the cauldron never loads, so there is no way to regulate the temperature. There is also no way to wave a wand should I ever get that far, because there is no wand to wave…

2) I can still practice-duel, and each practice still takes a lot of time to load. Subsequent practices with the same spell load a bit easier, but not by much. I haven’t tried dueling for real, as I’ve only been able to practice about 3 spells total.

3) I was able to load only one Moment from the latest Chamber of Secrets chapters, but after that, my computer froze twice, even after I asked for low quality on the graphics.

4) When I ask for low quality on the graphics, there is nothing to click on or collect, and I cannot access the extra backstory goodies, which is my main reason for wanting to visit Pottermore after all the non-fun it’s been. (I am also seriously grumpy about JKR apparently back-pedaling on writing the long-awaited Potter Encyclopedia, and instead putting the heretofore unpublished stuff only on Pottermore… where… I… can’t… access… it…)

5) It took me 45 minutes and five page reloads to get out of the last chapter of Sorcerer’s Stone and into Chamber of Secrets.

6) The following statement is still true– I can only really access Pottermore decently from the broadband public internet terminals at my work, and in high quality graphics mode, even the work computers choke and require page reloads after several Moments have been waded through.

7) Several of my coworkers tried using their laptops and the wifi access we have at work, and Pottermore managed to crash two out of the three laptops we tried the site with after about 10 minutes of play in each case. After all this time and supposed beta-testing and revamping, this should not be happening! (These same coworkers of mine use said laptops to play other online games with nary a stutter, hiccup or glitch, I might add…)

8) It still takes me between six and ten minutes to go from any one page on the site to any other page on the site. Pages still frequently load only partially, even with immediate browsing-history-and-cookie-dumps. I frequently have to reload the page more than once to get a fully finished download, and the potions page never fully downloads, no matter what I do, or how many times I refresh.

Now, I will repeat this again, because it bears repeating– I cannot think of another website anywhere on the internet that performs this badly for dial-up users. Even with regard to streaming video, which takes ages to load on dial-up, I can still rest assured that at the end of the download, I will actually be able to watch the video. This is because sites like YouTube have enough server-power to allow lower-speed down-loaders to get enough data to make things work. When I am on Pottermore attempting to access something, I have no such hope.

Additionally, I will note that among the thousands of kids who use our public library computers each week for a bit of game-playing fun, Pottermore is not a site they visit with any regularity, which I think says it all.

So, three Furnunculus Hexes and one Jelly-Legs Jinx to Sony for being excessively cheap when it comes to server-power for Pottermore. Combining these two spells is said to produce facial tentacles in the hexed– just deserts, I feel, for cutting corners in the name of trying force technology-upgrades and eReaders on everybody to make the corporate bottom-line look tasty. If I am forced into a (completely spurious) “choice” between having to buy yet another new computer and more expensive high-speed internet access and foregoing Pottermore, I will forego Pottermore, despite the exclusive, never-before-published content from JKR.

And if I ever do buy an eReader, it will not be a Sony.


Something Purple For Prunella…


No one gets in the door here without the curse of hideous bunny-ears, and this dude was lo-o-ong overdue. He also got the purple treatment because that’s Prunella’s favorite color, but I actually think it suits him, kinda-sorta…

I have nothing better to do with my spare time, apparently, than to desecrate the hallowed memory of beloved film icons who are dead and therefore incapable of objecting to my awful taste and pet obsession with lapine ear-cartilage… Divine Puffy Foo Foo Bunny approves, however, and has decreed he is insta-canonized as Saint Errol of Locksley, Patron of Tasmania, the Maldives, Sherwood Forest, the State of Florida during Spring break, and Tierra del Fuego.

Since his extremely recent ascension to Foo-Foo beatitude, St. Errol officially appreciates spirit-offerings of single-malt whiskey, archery equipment, bourbon, cognac, gin, vodka, dynamite, ship’s figureheads shaped like buxom mermaids (topless), multicolor hanging lamps made out of dried pufferfish, guacamole and chips, rum, scotch, champagne, portable typewriters, tequila, port, sherry, vermouth, grenadine, maraschino cherries, grilled lobster, pulque, mango salsa, cocktail toothpicks, tobacco, and glow-in-the-dark sex toys.

His special feast-days are June 20th (his birthday, and a day of Robin-Hood-Hat-wearing obligation for all orthodox Foo-Fooites), and November 1st, when for an offering of three sugar skulls, a rudely-shaped black candle and a pint of brandy, he can be petitioned to scare the ever-loving crap out of difficult members of the petitioner’s family by means of recurrent, violent poltergeist activity at three a.m. in their bedrooms.

Oh, and he’s also my friend Prunella’s special Divine Intercessor and supernatural enforcer, so I’d keep on her good side if I were you…

Monday Is My Saturday…


And I am just thrashed after a long week of being pulled in several different directions, so I’ve decided it’s time for a bit of Ravenclaw House snarkiness… all in good fun, of course…

Some pictures of some people just cry out for "bunni-fication"...



Yes, it's snotty, but also kinda funny...


...and I did this one because I just *cannot* get enough of "Diadem Bunny"...


I think that sums it up nicely...

I Love/Hate Pottermore– or, Harefoot at Hogwarts


After seven months of no-explanation, no-projected-start-date waiting with about half the planet, I finally have an active account on Pottermore. My main reasons for wanting a Pottermore account are that 1) I myself am a big fan of the Harry Potter series (I’ve always wondered what House I’d be sorted into if J.K. Rowling was the Sorting Hat), and 2) since I work for a public library system in a major U.S. city, I know there are going to be kids who will want to explore Pottermore on our library computers, so I need to know something about using it.

It’s a fun concept, and one of the things that looked interesting about it was that there would be additional background-notes material by JKR available on the site– stuff that didn’t make it into the books, but would be fun to know about. The art for the site also looked quite nice, and although in other circumstances I think I would have tried very hard to be a beta-tester for Pottermore, I had to let that idea go because of other demands on my time.

Because I am basically a long-time lurker on the two biggest Harry Potter fan-sites– Mugglenet and Leaky Cauldron— I have been following the saga of the Pottermore beta-testing from the very beginning. It rapidly became apparent that Pottermore had major platform and lack-of-servers problems, and the server problem struck me as a particularly stupid one for the site to be having because JKR herself pointed out to Sony and the platform development folks that they would probably need a lot more server-space than was being planned for. What happened in response to her input really ticked me off– they basically “politely dismissed” her concerns, and went ahead as planned, and the poor beta-testers soon found out how poor the planning for the site had been. Pottermore had problems that should have been worked out long before it ever went into beta, and one of the main issues was… nowhere near enough server space. This became obvious when they pushed back the date that the ebooks would be available for purchase on the site– they needed the book-vending server space to keep Pottermore from turning into one big Fuchsia Screen of Death.

I felt bad for both the beta-suckers-I-mean-testers, and for Ms. Rowling, whose name and sterling reputation is all over Pottermore. Sony definitely did not do right by her, and it started with them thinking they knew more than she did about what the response would be like for Pottermore. What really bites about this is that you know if it had been, say, Donald Trump telling the planners they needed more servers, they would have all rolled over on their backs, widdled all over themselves like 6-week-old puppies and would have said, “Oh yes, Mr. Trump. We are currently in the process of relocating one quarter of the population of Atlanta so that we can turn that portion of the city into a vast server-barn just for you. It will all be done and up and running by tomorrow, Mr. Trump.” However, the person doing the suggesting in the instance of Pottermore happened to be female– never mind that she’s the most successful children’s author of all time and has about the same amount of money as God, so she could literally buy Sony and all its subsidiaries if she wanted to– which meant, bottom-line, Sony and the planners felt free to ignore her “girly, artiste” input. Are you laughing sardonically now? I know I sure am!

Anyway, it became apparent very quickly that Pottermore was in heaps of trouble, so beta-testing was first extended for two months, and then “indefinitely”, and Charlie Redmayne was induced to jump ship from Harper Collins to helm Pottermore. I hoped at this point someone would step forward and offer a simple explanation for the delay. Human beings do make mistakes, and the courteous, customer-service-savvy thing to do would have been to offer a simple “Oops, sorry, we miscalculated and will fix this as soon as possible, but it may take 4 to 6 months. In the meantime, please hang in there. We promise we will make it worth the wait.” This also never happened, and cynical little me thinks it was probably because 1) the supposed demographic of the fan-base makes it easily dismissed– i.e, it’s just kids, so let ’em wait, and 2) some dim bulb in a boardroom somewhere very likely came up with the “idea” that if people were not told when exactly the site would be back up, they’d visit Pottermore more often to check to see if things were open to the public yet.

I am sure I am not the only Harry Potter fan who was less than impressed with them hanging fan-art and House Tweets all over the Pottermore blog like it was some sort of make-do cyberspace refrigerator (not that fan-art and Tweets are bad things, mind you– they’re fun!), and I am sure that I was not the only disgruntled Harry Potter fan who just decided to skip Pottermore altogether and continue to lurk at Mugglenet and Leaky Cauldron, where I was sure that I would know soon enough when Pottermore was breathing again after repeated defibrillation and a stint at Saint Mungo’s with Gilderoy Lockhart as a ward-mate. I personally found out Pottermore was open from an announcement on Mugglenet this last Saturday, and I registered well before the long-promised “You Can Now Register” email got to me.

So now that I’m in, do you think my troubles are over? Heck, no!!! Apparently, Pottermore is still server-starved, and also apparently, no provision was made for people who are dial-up users. I registered Saturday afternoon and got notification my account was active Saturday evening. That evening, I was able to briefly access Chapters 1 and 2, but from Sunday on, nothing has loaded, even with graphics quality set to low, Adobe Flash disabled and my computer left running for hours unattended. Yesterday, I could not even click into the sidebar stuff, which is nothing but print, and when I’d try to reload the page, I started getting “Server Cannot Be Found” error messages. Demand is once again heavy-to-overload on too few servers, and the result is that dial-up users can’t download much of anything. This ticks me off not just because I’m a dial-up user, but also because a lot of low income kids are, as well. While kids may have computers at home, their families cannot always afford a broadband connection.

Now just so we’re clear about what’s possible, huge service providers like Google get around the dial-up vs. broadband issue by reading how much data a user is pulling and by having a 2-tier system for high-load things like image searches. As a dial-up user at home, I get Google’s Basic page when I image-search, but at work, where my connection is high-speed, I get their newer page with the searchable pop-ups. One would think the folks designing Pottermore would have taken into consideration that not all Pottermore users are affluent and have access to broadband internet service and would have offered something like a “Pottermore Basic”, and if not, they should have been up-front with the fact that there are minimum system requirements that must be met for access to Pottermore. This latter possibility– that dial-up users simply won’t be able to access Pottermore at all is frankly unacceptable, especially after seven months of waiting for things to be fixed. I pointed out on ElmBlade43’s excellent and helpful  Blog of a Pottermore Beta that as a dial-up user, I can use Google without a hitch, I can access Facebook and play all their games with only a few tiny hiccups, and I can download MP3s from Amazon, all without getting “Server Not Found” and “Virtual Memory Too Low” error messages. So, what in the name of Rowena Ravenclaw is up with Pottermore? I’ll tell you– not enough server-power.

In discussing the situation I am currently facing with ElmBlade (a very delightful Slytherin and my first Friend on Pottermore), I told her that I’d keep trying with my dial-up, but that I’d also attempt to access Pottermore from work on one of the public internet terminals, which are broadband, but which do not have the most recent software installed. The verdict so far is that my dial-up connection still cannot grab anything, but I did get on at work, although even that connection was also at times semi-slow.

Since our library computers are on one-hour timers, I quickly jumped ahead in the story so that I could at least get my wand and get sorted–and don’t I sound exactly like those poor beta-testers from last October, folks? Forget moseying around on Diagon Alley (which is really beautiful) and enjoying buying my owl and my first magic books– it was Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Sony and dump everything into my Favorites folder so that I can try to load it later at home to read it. Frankly, Pottermore is still more of a pain than a pleasure for me and my dial-up, and I think that things would be far better for everyone if they just did what JKR told them to do in the very beginning– make double-Peeves sure they can handle a lot of high volume site-traffic, because the blunt truth is that Pottermore will never be a low-use site, ever— just look at Mugglenet and Leaky Cauldron and multiply it by about a hundred and fifty, because parents and grandparents are going to be playing on Pottermore, too. It’s fun, it’s cute, and it does most definitely scratch that “I wanna go to Hogwarts” itch.

So, to sum up, I love JKR and I love the concept, but I really hate Sony’s half-Squib muddle of what should be a fun experience for *everybody*, even if they don’t have the latest technology. Sony needs to take a page from Helga Hufflepuff and her House at Hogwarts– she never turned anyone away, or turned up her nose at anyone who was sincere.

And just so you-all know, I Sorted into Ravenclaw with nary a Hatstall, which I certainly thought I might because I truly am the sort of person who makes Luna Lovegood look normal. My wand is 13 inches (an excellently witchy number), is made of Yew with a Dragon-Heartstring core, and is “surprisingly swishy”. My user-name, in what I consider to be a real bit of true Magick, is ThornAvis9209. Please feel free to send me a Friend request if you are also on Pottermore— adding Friends and repeatedly changing my password are about the only things I can do there at the moment…

Cosmic Foo-Foo Bunny’s Fifteen Fun and Holy Precepts


Okay, it’s time to be silly again, so I give you a Holy-Foo-Foo-Bunny-Saint Icon to contemplate and fifteen of The Divine Foo-Foo’s most popular Precepts to put into practice. They will change your life. Really.

Always speak softly and carry a huge, fully-charged magickal carrot...

And now, here are…

The Fab Fifteen Foo-Foo Bunny Wisdom-Carrot Precepts of Eternal Inner Fluffiness

1. Cosmic Foo-Foo  Bunny is neither vengeful, nor jealous, nor a tyrannical and violent hot-head, so She is thus completely worthy of thy emulation and respect.

2. Carrot Cake is Her most precious Sacrament, and is always suitable for thy breakfast.

3. Be thou shameless, yet gracious, in all things.

4. Never put anything on thy feet that will cripple them.

5. Never contemplate karmic debt when thou art administering a swift knee to the groin.

6. Always be thou kind to flowers, especially the imaginary ones.

7. If thou shouldst suddenly find within thyself the wanting of a cookie, then go thou forth immediately and eateth of one.

8. Never give space in thy most serene and goodly Heart to anyone or anything that intends it malicious harm.

9. Do not let thyself be tricked into coveting trash.

10. Honor thy face with a Sacred Smile at least 5 times a day.

11. Honor thy Intuition always.

12. It is without doubt perfectly permissible for thee to occasionally scare the ever-loving crap out of small and unruly children.

13. Always trust thy Totem, as well as any candy-grams It may send thee.

14. Honor Precious Fluffiness wherever thou dost find it, but most especially when It is within thee.

15. When in doubt, or when pressed for haste in thy decisions, slowly partaketh thee of a marshmallow, and by thy art contrive to make the chewing of it passing slow. It will give thee time to think of a smart and witty retort.

[Scribe’s Note: I feel constrained to add that the marshmallow of Precept #15 can be a mental marshmallow, if no actual physical marshmallow is to hand. Also feel free to play fast and loose with all of the Precepts– for example, the only one that’s written in stone for me is Precept #2… yum, yum…]

To conclude, no disrespect is intended towards Ms. Emma Thompson and her wonderful creation, Nanny McPhee. They are both fine examples of consideration, creativity and cleverness, and are paragons of Inner Fluffiness besides. In a 2005 interview with Kate Kellaway of The Observer, Ms. Thompson was asked about how the two nannies– Mary Poppins and Nanny McPhee– would have gotten on. Ms. Thompson replied that she thought Poppins might have been sniffy: ‘She’d likely be defensive because Nanny McPhee is almost a Buddhist: still, unegotistical. She would never describe herself as “practically perfect in every way”.’ A nice assessment and sentiment, I think…

What Is It With Saint Patrick’s Day, Anyhow?


Oh, I’m in a mood, and I’m tired with everyone– modern-day Christians, Neo-Pagans, brainless TV talking heads, and astronomers, just to name a few. Why? Because of the gross misunderstanding that surrounds the equinoxes and solstices, as well as general modern cluelessness as to how humanity’s most ancient calendar worked– the one measured out by places like Stonehenge and the Majorville Cairn and Medicine Wheel in Alberta, Canada. So, seeing as I am in a semi-foul mood, let’s start things out with a joke– this is from a greeting card I received several years ago, and it never fails to make me laugh…

So what is it about Saint Patrick’s Day, anyway? Today, thanks to Western astronomy co-opting the term “equinox” for its own purposes, and Christianity co-opting the date of March 17th as the celebration of the death-anniversary of a Celtic bishop who got all cranky-pants with the Druids, what we’ve got is a modern holiday where great swathes of elementary school children wear green clothing, make paper shamrocks and listen to stories about leprechauns. Adults tend to celebrate it by getting snockered on beer with green food-coloring added to it and/or by listening to hours and hours of Celtic music played at migraine-inducing volumes. If one polls any cross-section of Saint Patrick’s Day celebrants, one gets some very strange answers as to why March 17th in particular is so important, but the bottom line is, nobody ever gets it right.

For the record, here is the correct answer:

In Ireland, March 17th is the day of the Functional Equinox, that is, the 24-hour period when the length of the day and night are actually equal.

If this comes as a surprise to you, you are not alone. Neo-Pagans as a group are just as confused, thinking that by celebrating the Vernal or Autumnal Equinox at the precise day and moment their Witches’ Almanacs and Faerie/Tree/Moon calendars cite, that they are doing as the ancients did. Unfortunately, they are not even close– the dates that all calendars, time-calculating websites and news programs cite are the dates of the Astronomical Equinoxes, which are modern, artificially agreed-upon moments during the Earth’s yearly orbit when the Sun is directly overhead a specific point on Earth’s equator. Here is a quick little quote from the Wikipedia entry on “Equinoxes and Solstices” that explains what the Astronomical Equinoxes are–

An equinox happens each year at two specific moments in time (rather than two whole days), when there is a location (the subsolar point) on the Earth’s equator, where the center of the Sun can be observed to be vertically overhead, occurring around March 20 and September 22 each year.

At an equinox, the Sun is at one of two opposite points on the celestial sphere where the celestial equator (i.e. declination 0) and ecliptic intersect. These points of intersection are called equinoctial points: classically, the vernal point and the autumnal point. By extension, the term equinox may denote an equinoctial point.

This is most emphatically not what the ancients– who invented the term “equinox”, by the way– meant when they used the term and/or measured their equinoxes by direct observation. What they were measuring and referring to were the Functional Equinoxes– the specific days at their observing location when the length of day and night were exactly equal.

So you may well ask, why the heck do we need two different kinds of equinoxes? Well, here’s the reason, short and simple– the days of the Functional Equinoxes differ based on the latitude one is observing at. While the Functional Spring Equinox will always be on or near the same day at locations that share the same latitude, for locations at different latitudes, the Functional Equinoxes will be on different days. This is because of three things:

1) The earth’s orbital path around the Sun is elliptical, not circular.

2) As it orbits, the Earth speeds up as it gets closer to the Sun, and slows down the farther away from the Sun it travels.

3) The earth’s axis is tilted.

Here is a little table showing the dates for the Functional Vernal/Spring and Autumnal/Autumn Equinoxes for 2012 at three different North latitudes:

Functional Vernal/Autumnal Equinox Dates, 2012

Dublin, Ireland (53 degrees, 20 min. N. Lat.)
Mar 17, 2012    Sunrise- 6:34 AM    Sunset- 6:34 PM    11h 59m 32s    
Sept 25, 2012    Sunrise- 7:17 AM    Sunset- 7:15 PM    11h 58m 50s

San Diego, California (32 degrees, 42 min. N. Lat.)
Mar 16, 2012    Sunrise- 6:57 AM    Sunset- 6:58 PM    12h 00m 52s
Sept 26, 2012    Sunrise- 6:40 AM    Sunset- 6:39 PM    11h 59m 19s

Mexico City, Mexico (19 degrees, 26 min. N. Lat.)
Mar 13, 2012    Sunrise- 6:46 AM    Sunset- 6:46 PM    11h 59m 44s
Sept 28, 2012    Sunrise- 7:27 AM    Sunset- 7:27 PM    12h 00m 07s

You will note the date of the Functional Spring Equinox for Dublin, Ireland– March 17th. It is always very close to the same date for this location/latitude, year-in, year-out, and the ancients knew this and observed it. When Christianity started making inroads into Druidic Ireland, the day was “sanctified” by making it the death-anniversary of Patrick (something of a stretch, I’m guessing, but it still found a place in the liturgical calendar) because everybody celebrated on March 17th regardless of its pagan origins, and the early church felt obliged to do something to make it all less eternally-damned-heathen.

Then modern astronomers came along and said, “let’s make everything nicely uniform worldwide, because we can’t have a whole mess of different official dates for the equinoxes, or print different calendars for different latitudes”, so they co-opted the term “equinox” to mean an artificial moment in time when the Sun is directly over a particular point on Earth’s equator. Then they further muddied the waters by arbitrarily creating a new “official designation” for the Functional Equinox, even though nobody really needed one. Here’s the confusing name-swap garbage explained (supposedly) on Wiki–

Although the word equinox is often understood to mean “equal [day and] night”, this is not strictly true. For most locations on earth, there are two distinctly identifiable days per year when the length of day and night are closest to being equal; those days are referred to as the “equiluxes” to distinguish them from the equinoxes. Equinoxes are points in time, but equiluxes are days. By convention, equiluxes are the days where sunrise and sunset are closest to being exactly 12 hours apart.

No, guys, you just made that up on the spur of the moment to disguise the fact that you purloined the term “equinox” and completely ignored its original meaning because it was convenient for you to do so.

To sum up, then–

1) If Pagan groups want to celebrate the equinoxes as their forebears did, they need to get hold of yearly sunrise/sunset time tables for their individual locations and determine which days in Feb.-Mar. and Sept.-Oct. are the individual dates when day and night are of equal length at their latitude, because that’s the way the Druids and the folks who built the Majorville Medicine Wheel reckoned it.

2) If one is trying to reconstruct ancient magickal ritual, it is the Functional Equinox dates which are important, because that’s what was meant by the term “equinox” in previous centuries.

3) If one is trying to do a present-day magickal working that will truly harness the equal-light-and-dark vibe, then the work needs to be done on the Functional Equinox at the location where the work is being undertaken.

4) I spit on the term equilux. It is nothing but another layer of crap-jargon obscuring an already badly confused situation. Besides, I am perfectly capable of distinguishing between two different uses of the word equinox, which I have done quite satisfactorily in this post.

5) Just because stupid talking heads on TV news programs idiotically parrot nonsense stuff like “Today is the Spring Equinox– this means the length of day and night are the same today, all around the world…” it does not mean you have to believe one word of what they say. They are usually talking about the Astronomical Equinox, and are completely mistaken about every supposed “fact” they state about it (see the Wiki definition of the Astronomical Equinox in the above post).

6) Saint Patrick’s Day is very likely a church-preserved Functional Spring Equinox festival dating from the days of Olde Druid Ireland.

7) I am fed up with the general state of stupidity surrounding both Saint Patrick’s Day and equinox definitions! I think I need a beer, or maybe a nice, home-brewed raspberry mead. Hold the green food coloring, please…

A Special Day For A Special Deity (I Create My Very Own Higher Power!)


I picked Foo-Foo Bunny because after awhile, you just get tired of the same old thunder-gods, sky-lords, and murderously dysfunctional celestial grand-dads...


And because I’m also bored with the usual lists of “Official Magickal Correspondences” for everything under the Sun, Moon and Stars, here are some amusing new ones for my fluffy new Goddess…

Deity: Cosmic Fluffy Pink Vanilla High Priestess Foo-Foo Bunny (a.k.a. Puffy Foo-Foo Bun-Buns)

Magickal Colors: White, cream, off-white, ivory, eggshell, vanilla, moonlight-pearl, pink, cerise, rose, fuchsia, mauve, blush, coral, strawberry, shell, raspberry sherbet.

Ritual Gems: Cubic Zirconia (clear), White Topaz, Rhodochrosite, faceted Pink Acrylic Resin round hair-bobbles (especially the kind with glitter in them).

Sacred Minerals: Salt-block/Rock-Salt, Argon, Tungsten, Uranium.

Ritual Food Offerings: Carrot Cake, Alfalfa Sprouts, White/Milk Chocolate Bunnies, Rose-Scented Turkish Delight, Marshmallows, Raw Snow-peas, Fresh Spinach, Mixed Greens Salad with Raspberry Vinaigrette, Raw Green-beans, Peach Cobbler with Whipped Cream, Deviled Eggs, Macaroons, Cream Puffs, Vanilla Yogurt, Tofu, Candied Violets, Flaked Coconut, Bok Choy, Celery, Jicama, Cream Cheese, Waldorf Salad, Maple Syrup.

Ritual Beverages: Vanilla Milkshake, Water, Jasmine Green Tea, Egg Nog.

Magickal Days of the Week: Monday-Wednesday-Friday (during even-numbered weeks), Sunday-Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday (during odd-numbered weeks).

Lucky Numbers: 7; negative 15; the square root of 53, cubed; Pi; Phi; the Magnetic Resonance Determination of Planck’s Constant; 666.652732; 1,950; 8,342,965.

Ruling Planets: Omicron Ceti V, Nibiru (Northern Hemisphere only), Luna (Earth’s Moon).

Incense: Gardenia/Musk/Arrowroot.

Ritual Oils: Vanilla (naturally…), Carnation, Coconut, White Ginger.

Sacred Trees: Hawthorn, Peach, Orchid Tree, Sugar Maple, Willow.

Sacred Herbs: Rabbit’s-foot Fern, Hare’s-Foot Clover, Yarrow, Comfrey, Dandelion, Parsley, Spearmint, Arugula, Curly Endive, Red Cabbage, Rutabagas.

Sacred Flowers: Hare-Bells, Clover Blossom, Wild Pink/Carnation, Tuberose, White Freesia, Damask Rose, Violet, Honeysuckle, Plumeria, Stargazer Lily, Tulips, Heather, Sweet Peas, Lady Slipper Orchid.

Totem Objects: Dust-Bunnies, Carrots and/or Parsnips, Rabbit-Ear Headgear, Nebulae (especially if pink in color), Open Star Clusters, Plush Toy Rabbits, Powder-Puffs, Cotton Balls, Fluffy Pastel-Colored Exfoliating Bath-Sponges.

Sacred Locations: Crop circles, vegetable gardens, the produce department of the neighborhood supermarket.

Ritual Tool: Bunny Slippers.

Sacred Substance: Angora.

Major Feast Days: February 29th (the Leap-Day of Leap Year), May 14th (my birthday), September 10th (my best friend’s birthday), and of course Eostre/the Spring Equinox, the main European Hare/Rabbit/Goddess festival.

Minor Feast Days: May 6th (Rudolph Valentino’s birthday), October 18th (George C. Scott’s birthday), June 20th (Errol Flynn’s birthday), March 16th (Caroline Herschel’s birthday), November 23rd (Harpo Marx’s birthday), March 6th (Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s birthday), August 17th (Mae West’s birthday), March 22nd (William Shatner’s birthday), April 21st (Charlotte Bronte’s birthday).

Types of Magick Presided Over by Deity:

–Sex-Magick involving implements or articles of clothing made out of white fur.

–Invoke for successful career as pastry chef, amateur astronomer, florist, belly-dancer, milliner, lace-maker, soft-pretzel baker or rhinestone importer.

–Gives protection from static electricity clothes-cling, incompetent beauticians, unwanted Oscar nominations and Federal Income Tax audits.

–Aids with alchemical operations involving the brewing of herbal and/or fruit liqueurs, love philtres and the compounding of Flying Ointments.

–Bestows dimples in offspring if offered white candles anointed with Jasmine Oil, Maple Syrup and Powdered Sugar during the first trimester of pregnancy.

–Grants the ability to cheat successfully at card games or chess matches if invoked with a food-offering of licorice-whips and sloe-gin during the Waning Moon.

Special Ritual Activities:

–Wearing at least one article of clothing made out of angora on your person at all times.

–Hoarding rabbit figurines or bunny-shaped salt-and-pepper shakers.

–Wearing a pair of Bunny Slippers and/or Rabbit-Ears while eating a bag of marshmallows (your choice of flavor).

–Any hopping activity, such as jumping on a pogo-stick or trampoline, jumping up and down for 30 seconds or more, or hopping repeatedly on one foot.

–Dancing naked under the Full Moon.

–Buying and giving plush toy rabbits to total strangers.

–Catching and free-releasing all home dust-bunnies out-of-doors instead of cruelly vacuuming them to bits.

Blessed 17-Syllable Extremely Holy Foo-Foo Mantra:

Hip-it-ti, Hop-it-ti, Bip-it-ti, Bop-it-ti, O-Fu-Tu-Yu-Tu!

…And there you have it! Less vengeful and way cuter than Yahweh, and able to magickally multiply Herself a billion billion times over to personally answer every Exfoliating Bath-Sponge need there is…